The Shovel

Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.

Australia’s Self Esteem Back To Safe Levels

Australia’s image of itself has been cautiously raised to ‘manageable’ after the nation won five games of sport in a row. Advertisements

January 6, 2014 · 1 Comment

Being Shit At Cricket Again ‘Like Putting On An Old, Warm Jumper’ English Fans Say

England fans say being 537 runs behind after three days of play feels better than they expected.

November 24, 2013 · 7 Comments

Now Australian Dressing Room Offended

The Australian cricket Dressing Room says it is offended by statements made by Ricky Ponting, in which the former captain said he was offended by Mark Taylor’s accusations that he … Continue reading

October 31, 2013 · Leave a comment

Smug Doesn’t Begin To Describe How The English Guy At Your Work Feels Right Now

The English guy at your work is about to become unbearable, it has been revealed. Britain is suddenly good at everything and your smug mate can’t wait to tell you … Continue reading

August 6, 2013 · 5 Comments

Fading Genius: Warne Can No Longer Squeeze His Face Into A Glass

The man who could once bowl a batsman through his legs and turn a ball three feet on a flat wicket can no longer fit his face in a tall-glass, … Continue reading

July 30, 2013 · 1 Comment

Even That Quiet Guy In Your Office Who Rides To Work Is A Drug Cheat

That quiet guy in IT who rides to work on an old shitty bike each morning takes EPO, it has been revealed.

July 26, 2013 · Leave a comment

“Oh, WAYNE Swan”, Collingwood Fans Pull Support For Labor After Naming Mix Up

In another blow for the ALP’s re-election chances, fans of AFL club Collingwood have withdrawn their support for the party after they realised the nation’s treasurer wasn’t the same person … Continue reading

June 24, 2013 · 1 Comment

David Beckham’s Stubble To Play On For 2014 Season

England great David Beckham announced his retirement from top flight football this week, but his facial hair has decided to go around again for at least one more season.

May 18, 2013 · 2 Comments

Tom Waterhouse Admits: “I Have No Idea How Mobile Phones Work”

Sports commentator-come-bookmaker Tom Waterhouse conceded this morning “I don’t know how they transfer people’s voices through the air to little pieces of plastic with buttons. But I know what punters … Continue reading

May 8, 2013 · 1 Comment

Horse Told It Can Stop Running Around In Circles

A horse was told yesterday that it no longer has to run flat-out in a circular motion with a small human on its back.

April 18, 2013 · Leave a comment

Melbourne Demons To Start ‘Rebuilding’ For 2014 Season

Mark Neeld, coach of AFL team Melbourne, said his sights are now firmly focused on 2014, declaring his team’s chances for 2013 “well and truly over”.

April 2, 2013 · Leave a comment

Breaking: Essendon Players Forced To Inject Clichés Into Interviews

EXCLUSIVE: Just hours after allegations broke that Essendon players may have been forced to inject performance enhancing drugs into their bodies, it has emerged that many were made to inject … Continue reading

February 7, 2013 · 5 Comments

Mugabe To Spend Zimbabwe’s Last $217 On Channel 9 Cricket Memorabilia

Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe has invested his country’s remaining bank balance – $217 – into a “Steve Waugh: Twin Tons at Old Trafford” limited edition print.

February 1, 2013 · Leave a comment

Shane Warne Character To Be Killed Off At End Of The Season, Big Bash Scriptwriters Say

The writers behind light-entertainment TV program ‘The Big Bash’ say they’ve taken on board feedback from fans and are conjuring a way to remove Shane Warne from the storyline before … Continue reading

January 7, 2013 · 1 Comment

Now Lionel Messi linked to A-League

Lionel Messi, regarded as one of soccer’s all time greats, could be playing in the A-League next year. The news comes after Friday’s announcement linking David Beckham to the local … Continue reading

November 19, 2012 · Leave a comment

Armstrong to make a blood oath that he didn’t cheat (and store the blood in a bag for safe keeping)

Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong’s continuing denials of drug cheating accusations have, so far, failed to convince an outraged public. But today Armstrong took the unusual step of saying he will publicly swear … Continue reading

October 16, 2012 · Leave a comment

Spring Carnival attendance won’t be affected by betting scandal whatsoever, says VRC

A Victoria Racing Club spokesperson said the recent allegations of fixing and illegal betting in the sport will have absolutely no impact on attendance numbers this spring because no-one actually … Continue reading

October 15, 2012 · Leave a comment

‘Awkward’ period between football and cricket seasons forces people to have real conversations

With the AFL and NRL seasons finishing up last weekend – a full six weeks before the first Test Match begins – many people were at a loss for what … Continue reading

October 7, 2012 · Leave a comment

PM David Cameron asks the US to invade London “so we can test out all our new Olympic security arsenal”

With the Games now over and all Olympic security threats successfully avoided, British Prime Minster David Cameron wondered aloud yesterday what on earth London would do with all the anti-aircraft … Continue reading

August 13, 2012 · 1 Comment

Brisbane family to conduct full-scale review into their sub-par Olympic TV viewing performance

Like so many Olympic dreams, it started with high expectations. On the eve of the Olympic telecast, the Heath family from Indooroopilly in Brisbane’s west were anticipating their best Games … Continue reading

August 13, 2012 · Leave a comment

“Aussie, Aussie, Aussie” chant wins top industry gong

The clever and popular sporting chant “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi” has won the prestigious song writing award at the annual Australian Sporting Chant Awards – the Grammy’s of … Continue reading

August 9, 2012 · Leave a comment

Thousands of Britons report feeling a strange, unfamiliar sensation: ‘winning’

GPs and hospitals around Britain have been inundated with calls from concerned residents who say they are experiencing ‘contentment’, ‘joy’ and, in one case, even ‘elation’ after watching sporting contests. … Continue reading

August 8, 2012 · Leave a comment

The view from Mars: 8 men run flat out to avoid getting hit by an empty bottle

As the Curiosity rover touched down on Mars just hours ago, NASA scientists had a rare chance to shoot the breeze with the local alien population. Apart from the usual … Continue reading

August 6, 2012 · Leave a comment

Hardcore Aussie sports fans disgusted with Magnussen’s ‘massive’ loss

It was America’s Nathan Adrian first, daylight second and James Magnussen a distant third. Or so it seemed to some Australian fanatical sports fans who are fed up with James … Continue reading

August 2, 2012 · Leave a comment

Australia urges Britain to call off Olympics

After four days of competition and with just one gold medal to its name, Australian has politely asked the organisers of the London 2012 Olympics to wrap everything up early.

August 1, 2012 · 1 Comment

Enter your email address to get the latest scoops shovelled to your inbox

Follow The Shovel on Twitter!

  • Looking for The Shovel? We've had our underscores surgically removed. We're now tweeting from @TheShovel See you there. 1 year ago