The Shovel

Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.

Man Forced To Watch Concert With His Own Eyes

A thirty-eight year old man from Brisbane was left with no alternative but to watch an entire concert with his eyes, after he mistakenly left his phone at home. Advertisements

December 9, 2013 · 131 Comments

Humanity Accepts That It’s Probably Going To Have To Give Miley Cyrus Some Attention Soon

Miley Cyrus is one, maybe two, outrageous performances away from getting us to look up from what we’re doing, it was reported today. 

November 11, 2013 · 3 Comments

Americans Saved From First World Healthcare

The threat of a modern healthcare system may have been averted thanks to American ingenuity.

October 2, 2013 · 14 Comments

Clive Palmer Announces Plans To Build A Parallel Universe Where People Take Him Seriously

Mining billionaire and aspiring politician Clive Palmer today revealed plans for his most ambitious building project yet. Dubbed “The Universe II” the bold venture will recreate the universe in its … Continue reading

September 16, 2013 · 10 Comments

Malcolm Turnbull Launches New Logo For Coalition’s Broadband Policy

Shadow Communications Minister Malcolm Turnbull today launched the new logo for the Coalition’s broadband plan, during a captivating overhead projector presentation to Liberal Party faithful.

August 26, 2013 · 19 Comments

Queenslanders Urged To Leave Immediately

Australian families living in Queensland have been told to leave the state as soon as possible, after credible reports were received that they may be subject to an attack of … Continue reading

August 9, 2013 · 8 Comments

Invisible Things Are Ridiculous, Says Man Who Lives His Life According To Invisible Thing

A Sydney man who believes an invisible spiritual being created the earth, impregnated a woman and devised intricate views on what constitutes a family, says the Emissions Trading Scheme is … Continue reading

July 16, 2013 · 79 Comments

Rupert Murdoch Divorce Settlement: Wendi To Get Kids, Australia

Rupert Murdoch’s recently estranged third wife Wendi Deng will take over control of the couple’s children and Australia as early as next week, after the two came to an agreement … Continue reading

July 2, 2013 · 12 Comments

Putin Divorces Wife, Marries Himself

Just a week after announcing his divorce from wife Lyudmila, Russian President Vladimir Putin has married himself in a glamorous ceremony in Moscow.

June 13, 2013 · 5 Comments

British Public’s Memories Of Margaret Thatcher To Be Carved Up And Sold Off

In a final nod to the benefits of market capitalism, Baroness Thatcher has, on her deathbed, asked that all public memories of her be privatised.

April 9, 2013 · 4 Comments

Tony Abbott To Scrap Climate Change If Elected

Opposition Leader Tony Abbott says he will ditch the Labor Party’s climate change if he is elected to office in September.

April 4, 2013 · 27 Comments

“I Was Bored” Simon Crean Explains Why He Called For Pointless Leadership Spill

ALP elder statesman Simon Crean says he was “just looking for something to do” this afternoon when he urged the Prime Minister to call a leadership spill.

March 21, 2013 · 8 Comments

Tony Abbott Gets His Homophobia Removed In “Routine Procedure”

The doctor who removed Opposition Leader Tony Abbott’s homophobia last week said the procedure was delicate but low risk, “a bit like getting your tonsils taken out”.

March 11, 2013 · 3 Comments

Melbourne Man Trips Over His Banjo, Accidently Writes Next Mumford & Sons Album

He’s only been learning the instrument a week, but when Melbourne man Jeremy Knight tripped over his banjo in the hallway yesterday he quite literally stumbled across musical stardom, unintentionally … Continue reading

February 27, 2013 · 8 Comments

Status Quo Says Music Career Has Panned Out “Pretty Much As Planned”

Francis Rossi, frontman for English 70s rock band Status Quo, claims there is nothing left for the band to achieve, saying it was always his dream to be the face … Continue reading

January 30, 2013 · 2 Comments

Conversations About House Prices Up 11% Year-On-Year

Figures released today show that the number of conversations about house prices continues to rise in Australia, with social gatherings in some suburbs becoming simply unbearable.

January 16, 2013 · 3 Comments

Kanye And Kim’s Foetus Already An Annoying, Narcissistic Twat, Sources Say

The unborn child of rapper Kanye West and reality TV star Kim Kardashian has taken on the attributes of its famous parents, Tweeting from the womb yesterday that it feels … Continue reading

January 6, 2013 · 1 Comment

Queen makes hoax phone call to Australian radio station, posing as a bogan

Queen Elizabeth II has thwarted the usually tight screening procedures of Australian radio station 2Day FM, managing to take part in – and win – their ‘$10,000 Name That Sound’ … Continue reading

December 6, 2012 · 1 Comment

BREAKING: Even Christopher Pyne finds Christopher Pyne annoying

The only person in Australia who supposedly did not find Liberal MP Christopher Pyne annoying – Christopher Pyne himself – has revealed that this is not in fact the case. 

October 8, 2012 · 5 Comments

Safety helmets to be made compulsory for all media conferences

Legislation passed Parliament today making it mandatory for anyone – not just politicians – to wear a safety helmet during a media conference. It comes over two decades after helmets … Continue reading

September 19, 2012 · 1 Comment

Archbishop Peter Jensen proposes plain packaging for homosexuals

Last night on the ABC’s Q&A program, Sydney Archbishop Peter Jensen backed claims by the Australian Christian Lobby that leading a homosexual lifestyle may be more dangerous to a person’s … Continue reading

September 11, 2012 · 11 Comments

Gina Rinehart’s five easy steps to making more money

Today in a column for Australian Resources and Investment magazine, Australia’s richest person Gina Rinehart provided some handy tips for those wishing to earn more money. “Don’t just sit there … Continue reading

August 30, 2012 · 6 Comments

Thousands of Britons report feeling a strange, unfamiliar sensation: ‘winning’

GPs and hospitals around Britain have been inundated with calls from concerned residents who say they are experiencing ‘contentment’, ‘joy’ and, in one case, even ‘elation’ after watching sporting contests. … Continue reading

August 8, 2012 · Leave a comment

Alan Jones reassures Australia that the Higgs Boson Particle doesn’t exist

Radio journalist and respected scientist Alan Jones told his listeners on 2GB this morning that the Higgs Boson Particle – supposedly ‘discovered’ after almost fifty years of research – is … Continue reading

July 5, 2012 · 29 Comments

Hipster Says Not Having A Moustache Is Now More Ironic Than Actually Having A Moustache

In a shock announcement yesterday a prominent Sydney hipster revealed that it may now actually be more ironic not to wear a moustache, given the explosion in the number of … Continue reading

June 28, 2012 · 2 Comments

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