The Shovel

Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.

Indonesia To Shut Down Bali

kuta beach indonesiaBali will be packed up and put away in a very high, hard to find cupboard, until Australia can learn how to apologise, it was revealed today.  

The decision to take away one of Australia’s favourite things comes after other threats – such as downgrading the relationship and cutting off military co-operation – weren’t taken seriously.

Indonesia’s President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono admitted it was a tough punishment, but said it was his last resort. “They just weren’t listening. I know Bali is very special to Australians, so hopefully this will give them some time to think about their actions”.

Mr Yudhoyono wouldn’t say how long the holiday island would be confiscated for. “We’ll have to wait and see how Australia behaves,” he said.

Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott said he was considering doing something back, but ruled out recalling Australia’s ambassador in Indonesia. “I can’t recall the ambassador,” he said this morning. “I mean, I literally can’t remember the guy’s name”.

The Shovel is Australia’s satire website. For more, follow The Shovel on Facebook and Twitter.

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162 comments on “Indonesia To Shut Down Bali

  1. DaveO
    November 23, 2013

    It has been rumoured that The Abbot Family Distrust is secretly buying Mud Island to develop as a tourist resort to counterbalance the Indonesian Threat to close Bali……..

  2. Natasha
    November 23, 2013

    Oh well boo hoo, personally I’d rather go to to Fiji, Tonga or Hawaii any day of the week – actually he’s not even hurting Australians, he’s hurting Indonesia’s Tourism – not too bright is he!

    • mackdownunder
      November 23, 2013

      Yep Natasha, not too bright at all. Dumbass tally is now 19.

  3. MickeyJ
    November 23, 2013

    The comments are funnier than the article! The story is a joke … It’s just made up. They are not really confiscating Bali. It’s a fictional peice of writing. You can still go to Bali.

  4. heath
    November 23, 2013

    Hahahaha where do they think half their tourism dollars come from… its only going to hurt themselves… seeya indonesia, is there such thing as a fourth world country????

    • mackdownunder
      November 23, 2013

      Congratulations, you have won the Alan Jones Factcheck Award, as the 20th post on our DA tally board!

      Sponsored by Sidchrome, this is a lovely statuette in the shape of a large Sidchrome spanner, their iconic tool. Just contact the good folk at 2GB and explain that you have won Alan Jones Factcheck Award, and they will sort you out.

    • Dexter Arnold
      November 24, 2013

      Half of Bali tourism dollars comes from Japan, but thanks for playing.

  5. Deon
    November 23, 2013

    Mackdownunder: you either missed the satire in M Palumbo’s post or called dumbass to Byronbliss, who was criticising Australians and their behaviour in bali, which had nothing to do with them not understanding the satirical nature of this post. I guess that makes your dumbass count one too many. Unless we can count your error as dumbass 18! 😉

    • mackdownunder
      November 23, 2013

      Good call. M Palumbo’s post was a cracker – definitely no dumbass there. The Byronbliss call was line ball. It seemed to be posted with the presumption that a serious conversation was underway. But I’m happy to accept that they may not have misunderstood this piece. If this is the case, I accept your verdict – my post is dumbass 18!

  6. Kmos
    November 23, 2013

    Was that written by Orson Wells?

  7. Leo
    November 23, 2013

    People are so stupid…. if its online and in the news then its got to be true. Wise up losers

  8. I vote that the subtitle of this website be changed from “Australia’s second favourite source of satire after Today Tonight” to:

    “Australia’s second favourite source of satire, after the Abbott apologists who’ve left comments on this post”.

  9. jack
    November 23, 2013

    sat·ire [sat-ahyuhr]
    n.
    1.
    a. A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.

    b. The branch of literature constituting such works. See Synonyms at caricature.

    2. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.

    • Mathilda
      November 26, 2013

      Oh, Jack! Do you really expect that those who commented seriously on the article will be able to understand the description of satire as given? If they don’t even know what satire is, how will they know the meanings of folly, irony, or derision? Good grief – they won’t have the foggiest what is meant by, “See synonyms at caricature”. They’ll probably try to go traipsing off to find a place called Caricature to see the synonyms! My sides are splitting at the thought!

  10. Marina Sani
    November 23, 2013

    Lol. As if shutting down Bali will hurt Australians. It will only hurt the Balinese who depend on us and we’ll just find some other cheap tropical shit hole to relax and party at.

    • Marina Sani
      November 23, 2013

      Never been to this site before and came through a link. Didn’t notice it was satire.

      The Indo President has already threatened to deny Visas on entry into Bali so it’s not as if it’s that far fetched and considering the professionalism (or lack of) the Indonesian and Australian Government, the idiotic content of this article actually seems plausible.

  11. simonembykerk
    November 23, 2013

    i feel like….it’s only going to harm them. Where does the majority of Bali’s money come from???? US

    • mackdownunder
      November 23, 2013

      22.

    • Dexter Arnold
      November 24, 2013

      Yeah, screw Bali and their money, lets cause a glut in the market of hand-carved name plates, that’ll show Indonesia as a whole.

  12. dash
    November 23, 2013

    can,t make a comment,too stunned,boy our education system is in real trouble i feel

    • Dexter Arnold
      November 24, 2013

      Who needs an education, working at MacDonalds will provide enough money to go to a cheap local south east Asian destination, unless you decide that destination is not for you, then there’s always visiting the donuts in the carpark to fall back on.

  13. paulpedro
    November 24, 2013

    big mack hilarious i love satire got some of my own stop given em a billion bucks a year an put all queue jumpers in prison for life should at least stop the boats

    • Dexter Arnold
      November 24, 2013

      Great, that would leave more room in the budget and the detention centres to fit all that missing satire in your comment.

  14. Jacqui
    November 24, 2013

    That’s cutting your nose off to spite your face! Way to go sir, kill your own tourism industry, that will show us!

  15. bali-economist
    November 24, 2013

    Knock on effects from the policy are just beginning to be felt by the local tourist industry impacted by the politically motivated move. The hotel and restaurant industry are not the only ones effected. There is now a severe oversupply of Bir Bintang singlets on the market. The government is considering purchasing them all and sending them to the Philippines as part of their aid support for the victims of Typhoon Yolanda.

    • Dexter Arnold
      November 24, 2013

      I know, the cost of local toluene based drinks is going to skyrocket to Passion Pop levels.

  16. Adam
    November 24, 2013

    “If you don’t stop listening to my phone calls…
    You not allowed to spend your money and sit on our dirty beaches, SO THERE!”
    “Na nana ne na na….”

    • Dexter Arnold
      November 24, 2013

      Let’s totally refuse to go on one of those classy Schapelle tours.

  17. Adam
    November 24, 2013

    Going to Thailand instead, cleaner and cheaper there anyway…

    • Dexter Arnold
      November 24, 2013

      Xanadu is nice this time of year.

    • franz chong
      February 1, 2014

      no Great Loss.Give me Vanuatu or New Caledonia or even the Cook Islands for a small price premium over Bali.Nicer and Cleaner and just as affordable.

  18. Dexter Arnold
    November 24, 2013

    I tried to explain to the mulletted masses that the article was a Satire. They simply said “we don’t care if it is half man and half goat and plays the pan pipe, we still don’t like it”. OK, well why are you on this site then? “I’m just waiting for a mate.”

  19. Leeanne forrest
    November 24, 2013

    Have fun with that australian aid and our tourism is a very large part of your economy what the said part of this is is that it is going to affect the general Balinese people more than anyone else

  20. mick
    November 24, 2013

    ban them coming to Oz, 2 sides to a coin

  21. lucy
    November 24, 2013

    it’s funny cos the balinese people hate the australians that trash kuta and seminyak, which is pretty much the vast majority. they must be relieved

  22. Kevin Maguire
    November 24, 2013

    Sunday morning …this has made me laugh so much i may have peed a little…

  23. imposter
    November 24, 2013

    Ok, here is the new plan.
    It’s top secret…off tap.

    Tony’s going to stop the boats buy sending them to island xmas or another island up there, not in oz waters.

    The reffo’s are going to staff the new & improved Bali 2.0 sponsored by the Oz gov & bigo corps (helps for assimluation in oz society aye!!)

    You can buy shares in the who needs bali 2.0 float right here (floated by the Macq bank & mining & oil co’s)

    Book your trip to Bali 2.0 before it becomes packed with bogans.

    Actually scratch the last one it’s too late.

  24. Ticia
    November 25, 2013

    What a joke!
    Who cares – there the ones who will lose the tourism $$$….
    This guy sounds like an arrogant loser!
    ‘Its my way or the highway’ kind of guy!

  25. paul
    November 25, 2013

    let them close it – less aussie dollars will only hurt them – minor inconvenience for us

    • Luki
      November 25, 2013

      Have they closed it yet? Tickets are still selling, just all talk, I guess

      • Sammy
        November 25, 2013

        Think it’s still open for now Luki. I guess they’re finding it difficult to find a cupboard big enough to put an entire island in. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

  26. anne
    November 25, 2013

    I’ve been to Bali and it is crappy, the only this worth looking at is the landscapes adn scenery, and the true locals, the tiny uncorrupted villages where the locals are true to their original culture, not the over touristed locations that are rife with drugs, alcohol, and the glitzy lights. so this is no true lose, except to the yuppies and the people seeking a cheap thrill in a different country

  27. Marie
    November 26, 2013

    Satire or no satire, I hate Bali who cares…dirty sands, crowded beach, and what is so natural there, monkeys in the forests, there are so many other nice holiday destinations all over Asia

    • Luki
      November 26, 2013

      Yep, Marie, I absolutely agree. My husband is from the next island east, Lombok, and I have lived in that area for over 10 years. When my husband saw the beaches in Australia he just shook his head and could not understand why people actually want to go to Bali or Lombok (sorry, Lombok is even more polluted and dirty…….I caught typhoid twice and my husband and other locals weren’t exactly a stunning example of health). As to Asia, we both love Malaysia. The Malaysian government cares about the environment much more. Why don’t people go to other islands such as Flores or Timur in the east of Indonesia? That is so much more spectacular but sorry,………no shops for tourists and no nightclubs. We are happy to be in Australia starting a new life.

  28. Ramli A Hamid
    November 26, 2013

    Balinese tourism bosses are perhaps scurrying to Jakarta to plead with the president not to shut down the resort island. If the threat to shut down Bali is withdrawn, life will be back to normal. But will it? Australians must wary of those extremists lurking around to strike.

  29. GAM
    November 27, 2013

    Hmmm lets see how the Indonesian government likes missing out on the millions of $$$ poured into their country from Australian tourists on a weekly basis. All those citizens without work, however will their gov’t keep their country afloat now????

  30. Anna
    November 27, 2013

    I don’t think Indonesian’s can shut down Bali.
    They heavily rely on Ozzies for their tourism.
    The media and government have been issuing warnings ever since 2009 bombings!

    I read an article today and feel pretty confident of travelling to Bali this Christmas!

    http://www.ministryofvillas.com/is-it-safe-to-travel-to-bali/

  31. Tim Richards
    November 29, 2013

    Lets just stop giving them billions of dollars and use it to sort out the boat people simple

  32. Chazwazla
    November 30, 2013

    What this article has failed to tell readers is that the Indonesian government is actually about to fence off Satire Beach. What a disgrace! This should be exposed on all the commercial stations so all Australians know about it.

  33. Tom Yeh
    December 1, 2013

    How is this going to affect us? we’ll just go somewhere else like Thailand and let their own people dig its own graves.. It’s not going to work and somehow i am wondering the validity of the article is accurate

    • Brando
      December 4, 2013

      Amen brother. I’d definitely fact check this article first. I’d even look into the guy who wrote it….. The Shovel? Pfffft, sounds made up to me. Last time I checked my kitchen there wasn’t a single cupboard large enough or high enough to fit a place the size of Bali. Where will all the sand fit in? I’ll take my money to Manus Island instead!

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