The Shovel

Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.

Federal Election To Be Replaced By Boat-Stopping Competition

Abbott Rudd satireAustralia’s upcoming Federal election is to be scrapped and replaced by a boat-stopping competition, it has been revealed.

Under the plans, the leaders of the two major parties, Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott, will test their skills in a series of challenges to be held in Sydney Harbour.

In one challenge, contestants will be armed with projectiles including tomatoes, tennis balls and former parliamentary colleagues, and will have thirty minutes to try and stop as many boats reaching Circular Quay as possible. The contestant who stops the most boats within the allotted time will win the right to run Australia.

Other challenges will be used to determine the split of lower house and Senate seats.

A spokesperson for the Australian Electoral Commission said he was sad that the traditional method of voting in a government based on a range of issues was being dumped, but conceded the boat-stopping competition was a better test of a leader’s ability to run the country.

“As a lot of people are saying, if we could only stop the boats, our economy will grow, education, healthcare and infrastructure will improve and general standards of living will go up. So yes, I think this change makes sense. And of course it’ll make for great TV too,” he said.

The date for the contest is yet to be set.

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11 comments on “Federal Election To Be Replaced By Boat-Stopping Competition

  1. cartoonmick
    July 18, 2013

    Dear Mister Shovel,

    I have spies in the appropriate areas, and it has come to my attention that Abbott intends deploying his secret weapon to win this boat stopping competition.

    Now please don’t tell anyone about this, it’s top secret, but he intends using his little blue book.

    He will scatter 463,722,813 copies across the waters, and they will float because there’s nothing in them.

    All these float obstacles will clog the rudders and propellors hence bringing all boats to a halt.

    Once they’re all immobilized, he’ll sit out there on a barge and read to them from a dry copy of his little blue book.

    After the first page, they’ll all go home.

    Brilliant !!

  2. uloola
    July 18, 2013

    The old fire control tower from HMAS Sydney that is mounted on Bradleys Head could be used to spot the approach of the invaders as they try and sneak through the heads.
    All Sydney ferries could be fitted with strengthened bows in an attempt to ram the intruders and the passengers will be permitted to jeer and hurl racist slurs for a small extra charge.
    If all this fails the cannons of Fort Denison should be allowed to fire on the interlopers when they come within range,again spectators on the fort will be allowed to vilify and belittle the infiltrators for a modest fee.
    After running this gauntlet and they reach the Quay then they will be considered lucky enough to enter the lucky country.
    This will ensure that tomatoes and tennis balls are not in short supply and pollies stay in Canberra where they belong.

  3. opinionatedintrovertdoc
    July 18, 2013

    Sad but true

  4. puffytmd
    July 18, 2013

    So true it makes you want to laugh or weep, or both.

  5. Fabia Claridge
    July 18, 2013

    And don’t forget all the supporters out there, various multi national contractors like SERCO cheering on the comp. The real business model in all of this. No expense is to be spared on this competition. Billions are being spent. No down market cheap solution for us, like humanitarian airlifts. Real live human sacrifices must continue to be made on a daily basis to keep up the people’s thrilling fear of invasion, the yellow peril, red devils. . . where were we? Oh yes 2013. . . nevermind. . . . thrill for the blame game. . the bus is late . .an asylum seeker did it. No need to take any responsibility for actually doing anything constructive around the country, just jerk off on the addictive fear of a terrorist invasion!

  6. Harry Feldman
    July 19, 2013

    I think there must be a typo. Shouldn’t that read, ‘The contestant who stops the most boats within the allotted time will win the right to RUIN Australia’?

  7. rvbm
    July 19, 2013

    Reblogged this on The Alternative Zeitgeist and commented:
    Especially after today’s extreme and disappointing announcement.

    • uloola
      July 23, 2013

      The Grey Mandarins of the halls of Canberra have come up with an alternative solution.All new boat arrivals will be required to pay their way in an environmentally sustainable method.
      The proposal would involve all male boaties having to operating a treadmill which is connected to an electrical generator,thus producing more than enough power to offset the emissions produced by the engine of the boat that they came on and thus becoming carbon neutral.The excess power will be sold to the national grid at a competitive price.The shifts will be organised on a rotating basis.
      They will be allowed to wear MP3 players whilst they tread so that they can listen to an approved medley of Aussie music by such bands as Midnight Oil,Sherbet,Little River Band and Johnny Farnham.The purpose being to Assimilate them into our cultural heritage.A citizenship test will include the correct pronunciation of such words as Strewth,Crikey and No Wucers.

  8. Singscrap
    July 27, 2013

    Both contestants are now in a fevered attempt to win over the support of Clive Palmer. Hurling Clive at boat arrivals will ensure that at least two boats sink with each hit. Attaching Clive to a winch will bring him back to earth (as much as that is possible) and he may be hurled again and again.

  9. uloola
    July 28, 2013

    The boat people have now got the right idea about how to enter Australia.
    They get a tourist visa and don’t get back on the plane when it’s time to go back home, just like the other 99% of illegal arrivals.
    It’s cheaper than paying people smugglers and safer than a leaky boat,plus they get a lovely meal, free drinks and inflight entertainment.
    Thats the kind of people we need here.Astute people with acumen and an innate ability to work the system to their advantage.
    The really clever ones will end up in Canberra riding first class on the gravy train.

  10. judithgreene
    September 5, 2013

    Reblogged this on RE: The Daily Howel.

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This entry was posted on July 18, 2013 by in 2013 Election Coverage, Politics and tagged , , , , .

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