The Shovel

Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.

Invisible Things Are Ridiculous, Says Man Who Lives His Life According To Invisible Thing

tony abbott satire

A Sydney man who believes an invisible spiritual being created the earth, impregnated a woman and devised intricate views on what constitutes a family, says the Emissions Trading Scheme is flawed because carbon emissions are not visible to the human eye. 

The man, who also hopes to become Australia’s next Prime Minister, is the same man who once described the Clean Energy Regulator as a “police force chasing an invisible, odourless, weightless, tasteless substance”.

“This idea that you’d set up entire institutions dedicated to something you can’t even see, well, that’s just madness,” he told The Shovel today.

The Shovel is Australia’s satire website. Follow The Shovel on Facebook and Twitter

You might also like: Tony Abbott To Scrap Climate Change If Elected

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79 comments on “Invisible Things Are Ridiculous, Says Man Who Lives His Life According To Invisible Thing

  1. jasonblog
    July 16, 2013

    Absolute classic!

  2. Squirrel
    July 16, 2013

    Brilliant! How about we put this man in a room without oxygen, which is a colourless, odourless, tasteless gas, and see if he still believes that invisible things do not matter?

    • Bill Malkin
      July 16, 2013

      Good point! 🙂

    • Dawesi
      July 17, 2013

      how about we use the figures that tell us that our carbon contribution as humans is 0.000001% and a volcano eruption puts more carbon into the air in 20 seconds than we do in 1000 years.

      Oh wait, then we couldn’t tie global warming to carbon for the sake of making millions of dollars or jack electricity prices 100% in 6 months.

    • Stellarina
      July 19, 2013

      Excellent idea!

    • Peta Kokacheenah
      September 11, 2013

      hahaha that’s golden.

      ….but make it a microwave. please, for the love of Aus..

  3. Archibald
    July 16, 2013

    Tell that to the ACCC (which regulates “competition”, the CASA (which regulates “air safety”) the CMC (which regulates against “crime and misconduct”) or perhaps Fair Trading (which regulates “intellectual property”. And dont get started on the whole system of the courts which provide “justice”.

  4. awombatsweb
    July 16, 2013

    Reblogged this on A Wombat's Web and commented:
    Good entertaining news satire.

  5. Tripper!
    July 16, 2013

    I think this idiot never came out of this psychedelic trip on bhang lassi all those years ago!

  6. Sam
    July 16, 2013

    Funnily enough, this could be what alerts the world to the cognitive dissonance regularly displayed by Mr Abbott.

  7. marty
    July 16, 2013

    Come on people that was a carefully placed political statement about non delivery of the Labour carbon exchange policy, he is subtly undermining labour policy appealing to those in the community who do not accept climate change science, which is not proven but is merely an extrapolation of data which is recent and not comprehensive, and coming from a climate system which is even now not very well understood on their own (scientists) admission. Whether you agree with his policies or not is irrelevant, he is an underrated, smart, well educated veteran politician… the irony is that in lampooning ‘invisible gas’ into his ‘invisible intellect’ you completely missed the point.

    • T-roy Rice
      July 16, 2013

      I totally get the point. Like Tony Abbott I’m against the Carbon Tax, and I’m extremely skeptical about Climate Change. I totally agree with Tony in challenging these policies. But I don’t think he goes about it the right way. I think he constantly contradicts himself (just like in this article), and if I have to choose between a Carbon Tax or Tony Abbott as Prime Minister, I choose the Carbon Tax

    • wizman
      July 16, 2013

      LOL Marty! Actually climate change is what has happened so far, that has been measured, and has a whole lot of empirical data and theory behind it that correctly describes the observations. The extrapolation has large error bars attached to it, and even within them the scientists are very worried for the future.

      Lampooning “invisible gas” and a whole institution devoted to an “invisible creator” and his “invisible intellect” are the point.

    • elroy
      July 16, 2013

      Well said!

    • Franky J
      July 16, 2013

      BAHAHAHAHAHA!!

    • Tarun
      July 17, 2013

      Alright, I haven’t personally done the research but I understand science as a concept rather well. We still live in this world today were we have discussions about whether evolution is real or climate change is real and what not. Here is my take on things.

      Majority something upward of 95% of climate scientist agree on global warming and the climate change we are experience as a bad things. Two, all good scientist will classify their uncertainty, meaning the models and theories they create to explain climate science to some degree may not be entirely right. As such they have to quantify their uncertainty. Finally science is based on empirical evidence and testing and there is tons of it on climate.

      The problem is that climate science is quite a complicated study and as such it is hard to explain to the general public how it works. However there is no doubt that the evidence shows a rise in temperatures, sea levels and harmful gases.

      To deny that climate change is a real evident threat (whether natural or unnatural) is to deny the opinions of the majority of scientist who undergo tremendous scrutiny before they present what they believe to be true. I believe in the scientists not the skeptics.

      Many people push it off as this is the natural pattern of earth and we aren’t causing it. Well so fucking what, whether we are causing it or not, it is happening and its going to fuck us if we dont do something about it, period.

    • Kathy Brazher - De laine
      July 17, 2013

      No we didn’t, use all the words and statements you want this man is not in contact with the average Australian !!!!

  8. Sydney
    July 16, 2013

    Congratulations, you have successfully belittled millions of people who believe in God.

    • Kara
      July 16, 2013

      Um… yes. That’s the idea.

    • Their beliefs are self-belittling.

    • uloola
      July 17, 2013

      It’s that pesky God again, he/she is worse than that wascally wabbit
      Maybe God made atheists for a reason, for he doth move in mysterious ways.

    • Dexx
      July 17, 2013

      Gods and their followers cause half the problems in this world. Humans would be far better off without all these silly gods floating around all over the place.

    • Trev
      July 18, 2013

      no they belittled the idea of faith only when it suits you. you can’t be presented with one book as evidence and base a metric tonne of policy around it (gay marriage, abortion etc) and then refuse to believe in climate science.

    • Helen K
      November 14, 2013

      Only if you don’t believe in climate change (I happen to believe in both God and climate change – not feeling belittled)

  9. Joe everyman
    July 16, 2013

    Typical leftist-athiest bullthwop.

    Everyone knows that God is all around us, he is in our first and last breathe, hes in the trees in all of us. And a true Christian knows that God grows with big businesses like Gina’s mining.

    I don’t need to be able to see God to know he is there. He’s is what puts the sparkle in beer, which is why monks invented it.

    • A Typical Leftist Atheist
      July 17, 2013

      Yeah… no. The sparkles in beer are carbon dioxide. But nice try.

    • sj26
      July 17, 2013

      Actually, beer is traced back it ancient Egypt and Persia, so it was a multitude of ancient Sumarian and Egyptian invisible things who put the sparkle in beer.

      Now that scientists have discovered that the sparkle those gods gave us is carbon dioxide we also know that they’re now trying new ways to kill us with their sparkle—letting us flood the atmosphere with it, amongst other shiney things.

      • Observer
        July 17, 2013

        Yes PRECISELY!! The conversation about WHAT? is being dumped into the atmosphere every day has begun. Watch the doco “Why in the world do they keep spraying” Shocking!! but real.

      • not so angry theist
        July 17, 2013

        can science tell us what started the big bang? and what the meaning of life is (none of that replication cop out please)?

        • Lee
          July 17, 2013

          On the big bang: kind of (do some looking and find out – start with Lawrence Kraus and go from there).

          On meaning: meaning is a construct of sentience, so what do you think the meaning of your life is? Feel free to give your life whatever meaning you wish. If by ‘meaning of life’ you mean some grand, ultimate meaning (must ask: meaning to who?), then your question contains an unwarranted assumption.

          Still, you need to understand something important here. Let’s assume the answer to both of your questions is no. So what? What basis would we have for trusting the ‘answers’ made up by the religious?

        • Dexx
          July 17, 2013

          There is no “Meaning of Life” just like there is no “Meaning of the Rock Over There”. Life just happens when the circumstances are right and goes away again when they are not. The universe just exists and most likely has no meaning so why should a tiny miniscule little part of it (humans) have any meaning either? Meaning is in the mind of the beholder.

        • not so angry theist
          July 19, 2013

          Both of your responses make as much sense as some parts of the bible.

    • Dave
      July 17, 2013

      Everyone… LOL.

      Which god is all around us? Thor? Zeus?

      Thor has a couple of good movies – he looks pretty powerful, but I am not sure he is all around us. Maybe you meant Poseiden.

    • Tony
      July 20, 2013

      Joe your claim that “Everyone….” has just been proven false by the exception. I don’t ! So your claim is disproved.

  10. Nick
    July 16, 2013

    Well educated, smart underrated man? I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my life.

  11. Mitch Hedges
    July 16, 2013

    A metaphysically flawed comparison, but all in good humour, I’m sure 🙂

    • Mitch
      July 16, 2013

      Flawed in that there’s more evidence for climate change than a God, and that makes it ridiculous? I agree!

  12. otionblog
    July 16, 2013

    So good!!

  13. Sally
    July 16, 2013

    No more oxygen for Mr Abbott, I say. He doesn’t believe invisible gasses are of any importance anyway… he won’t mind.

  14. JOE
    July 17, 2013

    So where is the punch line? All atheists should share the same view?

    I must say, regardless of his religion, he has a valid point. Emission trading IS rather arbitrary and crazy.

  15. uloola
    July 17, 2013

    Please forgive Tony he has been bewitched by the sister of Satan,the wicked witch of Opus Dei, Julie the Bishopess.One look in her eyes is enough to reduce mere mortals such as Tony to a hypnotic trance like state of abject obediance.No one can be expected to resist the “the death stare”of she who must be obeyed!

  16. derwombat2013
    July 17, 2013

    Reblogged this on THE CHAPEL and commented:
    Wonderful stuff. Congrats SHOVEL!

  17. Sarah
    July 17, 2013

    If only someone had turned HIS boat back to the UK in 1960…
    A hypocrite on so many levels.

  18. Stephen
    July 17, 2013

    Yes. Fancy building institutions based on something invisible. Hang on … that is what the church is!

  19. martin cole
    July 17, 2013

    Intelligence Is Invisible.
    The triple I rating attained by Tony Abbott. Very few leaders achieve and maintain this level of rating as consistently as TA.

    • uloola
      July 17, 2013

      If this was the sixteenth century I would have all atheists burnt at the stake.Nowadays that would produce to big a carbon footprint.Therefore I would use the George Zimmerman method and blow your brains out to protect myself from the Godless pagans.I think Tony would agree that is a satisfactory compromise.

      • Dave
        July 18, 2013

        Ahhh yes… Let us all bask in the tolerance of the religious.

  20. uloola
    July 17, 2013

    Lately I have been practising with all religions because I don’t want to get kicked out of heaven on a technicality.
    If heavens up in the sky will all that co2 that rises up to the sky eventually pollute heaven and make it uninhabitable?
    Maybe there’s a VIP heaven for people of Tony’s ilk?With Julie sitting at his right hand.

  21. not so angry theist
    July 17, 2013

    atheists belittling those who believe in things bigger than them on the internet? how original.

    • Lee
      July 17, 2013

      Some things are worthy of belittling. And incidentally, this atheist beleives in all kinds of things bigger than myself. Society, fairness, justice, exploration, discovery, mountains, trees, cows…

      • Lee
        July 17, 2013

        Unfortunately this atheist’s fingers only occasionally allow him to type ‘believes’ correctly…

    • Dave
      July 17, 2013

      How big is something imaginary?

      • Dexx
        July 17, 2013

        How big would you like it to be? It can be as big as your imagination desires. Or even BIGGER!

  22. To all the first time voters out there that think they're pretty clever and want to vote for Labor or Green. Just like P-platers won't slow and stop killing people, you don't know any better when it comes to politics. Talk to your Mum's and Dad's and Gran
    July 17, 2013

    WakeUp!

    • Kathy Brazher - De laine
      July 17, 2013

      And while you’re at it ask them about the internet, social media, genetics, USB’s, twitter and how safe are your children when using something you don’t understand so it must be bad because you can’t be bothered to learn how to teach them how to use it properply !!!!!!

    • Dexx
      July 17, 2013

      Dear WakeUp!, I think you have your name and comment in the wrong boxes.

  23. Sunny
    July 17, 2013

    It’s more the fact that he doesn’t believe in climate change – or gay rights, or abortion. He mostly just believes in lining his pockets with Gina Rinehart & Rupert Murdochs cash.

    If we are forsaking invisible things, it’s bad news for gravity… And oxygen… And morality…

  24. FreeThinker
    July 17, 2013

    This ever growing, relentlessly repetitive (not to mention unproductive) argument seems to never end.
    I would like to propose a more constructive question, are we living sustainably? isn’t this the more logical question? not only can it address the environment but also economically and sociologically.

    food for thought 🙂

    • Squirrel
      July 18, 2013

      Yes, sustainable living instead of wanting more all the time – of any goods – is an issue which needs pursuing. Try telling that to economists, though!

  25. dariancase
    July 17, 2013

    Reblogged this on dariancase.

  26. Kath
    July 18, 2013

    Dear Dexx – I thought Wakeup was being mysterious and clever.
    I can’t work out if the comments are worrying or encouraging regarding humanity. I wanted to click the like button a few times. The next time someone tells me Abbott is intelligent I’ll point them to this article. I was given the cane by a nun when I was eight for expressing the opinion that it didn’t seem very fair of God that only Catholics get into heaven. The punishment did nothing to convince me and I have always been bemused at each religions conviction that they hold the incontrovertible truth with the possible exception of Hinduism. Science sometimes verves on becoming almost a religion itself. I’m not sure that recycling my little plastic collection will make a big dint in climate chance but I do believe by faith in science, as I do not have the actual knowelege myself, that it exists and I do think with some big motherfucker moves we could take it on and fix it. While people still argue about how many invisible fairies make up their particular God we are screwed.

  27. Squirrel
    July 18, 2013

    Thought this next snippet might give you all some amusement. My latest junk mail advertises a carbon monoxide alarm. Quote: Carbon monoxide is a leading cause of accidental poisoning. It’s odourless, tasteless and invisible.

  28. Al
    July 19, 2013

    He should know that 95% of the Universe we either cannot see or measure but is there (proven by Science)…maybe our tiny portion in it as we “see” is the ridiculous one..

    • Squirrel
      July 19, 2013

      Oh, I really like that observation! Bravo!

  29. uloola
    July 19, 2013

    Does The Monk realise the amount of ,invisible, hot air he is producing?A portion of which consists of Carbon Dioxide.

  30. Pingback: Episode 33: Snap Podcast – Super Dog for Refugees* | progressivepodcastaustralia

  31. Nora Titzorf
    December 29, 2013

    Some of you are in grave danger of dissapearing up your own arses.

  32. frontad84
    December 29, 2013

    Is this column called The Shovel because it is full of bullshit?

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