The Shovel

Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.

Tony Abbott To Scrap Climate Change If Elected

Tony Abbott satire

(image from AFR)

Opposition Leader Tony Abbott says he will ditch the Labor Party’s climate change if he is elected to office in September.

It adds to the growing list of areas a Coalition Government would dismantle or roll back, with commitments already made regarding the mining tax, the carbon tax and the NBN.

In an interview this morning Mr Abbott said, “The climate change thing is unnecessary, it’s expensive and frankly, it’s a distraction from what’s important, given the current climate. Today, I commit to Australian voters that a Coalition Government will repeal climate change on our first day in office”.

Mr Abbott said the party would release details of what would replace climate change “in good time”, but suggested it would involve “big blue skies, loads of sunshine and an occasional light shower”. He added “you won’t have to worry about the weather under a Coalition Government”.

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27 comments on “Tony Abbott To Scrap Climate Change If Elected

  1. Andrea Moore
    April 4, 2013

    Now that is a relief! Let’s get back to Normal!

  2. Callie Ge
    April 4, 2013

    He is going to repeal climate change is he, and how exactly is he going to do that? Is he going to wave his magic wand and undo all the damage that CO2 emissions have done to the climate over the last 100 + years is he? next a quick spell to put all the fossil fuel reserves back where they came from, and last of all a potion for all the scientists so he can convince them that map reading in a canoe is all the training you need to be a stand alone expert on the absence of climate change for LNP branch of the flat earth society, the more he opens his mouth the more he proves himself a mental midget, he obviously didn’t hear the one about saying nothing lest he proves himself a fool.

    • Jack
      April 4, 2013

      I guess this one went over your head

      • Tim Vollmer
        April 5, 2013

        It’s funny when the comments become more satirical than the article…

  3. Joy Cooper
    April 4, 2013

    Well done, Shovel. What is really funny is that even though this is satire it is exactly the sort of things this numbskull would say without any sense of irony. .

    • Andrea Moore
      April 4, 2013

      I am with you Joy. It continues to amaze me how blindly people accept and absorb this little man’s pronouncements.

  4. Clay Ravin
    April 4, 2013

    Yes, I think next year we should go back to having NONE of Australia’s 21 hottest days on record, instead of the eight we had this year!
    I’m convinced Mr Abbott can achieve this, he has promised other impossible sounding things.

  5. Squirrel
    April 4, 2013

    Does anyone else remember the story of King Canute trying to stop the tide from coming in?

    • Craig Thomas
      May 17, 2013

      No, how about you look it up and remind yourself what that was about?

      • Squirrel
        May 17, 2013

        “Cnut (Canute) set up a royal palace during his reign on Thorney Island (later to become known as Westminster) as the area was sufficiently far away from the busy settlement to the east known as London. It is believed that, on this site, Cnut tried to command the tide of the river to prove to his courtiers that they were fools to think that he could command the waves.” Similarly, Tony Abbott is a fool to think he can declare that he can “repeal climate change”. Of course he can repeal the carbon tax but this isn’t what The Shovel article is talking about.

  6. John Devereux
    April 4, 2013

    Anything that gets rid of Tim Flannery is a good thing.

    • Heather
      April 6, 2013

      In a word, moron

    • Craig Thomas
      May 17, 2013

      Yes, because *that* will stop sea level rise.

  7. Pingback: President Tony Abbott, Hail To The Chief – Not On My Watch | Turn Left 2013

  8. Heather
    April 6, 2013

    Sorry, my comment was in reply to John Devereux who denigrated the clear and spot on thinking of Tim Flannery.

    • Craig Thomas
      May 17, 2013

      I think the context makes it clear who you addressed that to.

  9. Sheryl Gwyther
    April 6, 2013

    At least Tim Flannery stores more about the science of climate change in his little toe than Abbott and his cronies have in their collective brain sewers (sorry, I meant cells).

    • Ruth
      April 8, 2013

      One too many letters in your comment Sheryl. I’m sure you meant to write ‘cell’, not ‘cells’

      • Craig Thomas
        May 17, 2013

        They have plenty plenty of brain cells, the problem is they have malfunctioned.

  10. Renee Davis
    April 8, 2013

    Well done Shovel.

  11. Nigel
    April 8, 2013

    Well I some sense he is reducing carbon levels as he refuses to answer any hard questions, walks away when the questions get harder. On the other hand, when he does talk, the bull never stops. I don’t think he has said one truth since he has been opp leader. He just feeds ya what he thinks you what to hear! He really doesn’t have a clue on anything.

  12. Hayden
    April 8, 2013

    I’m scared :/

  13. J
    July 17, 2013

    Why, T.Abbott sometimes believes 8 impossible things before breakfast…

  14. Michele Richards
    August 18, 2013

    I would like to congratulate Tony Abbott for making such a fabulous and quotable statement.
    “…Today, I commit to Australian voters that a Coalition Government will repeal climate change on our first day in office”.
    Perhaps our friend Tony also plans to part The Red Sea…?
    Now, if we were to take him seriously, then we would have to consider what types of forces would be against this happening.
    On a physical level, we would have to dump a few trillion trillion tonnes of carbon back into the soil. Catch and refreeze any polar ice caps that have already floated away. Rename Alinino and Alnina, Bill & Ben and put little flower pot symbols on the weather reports. Change the unit of measure for temperature from Centigrade to something more flexible such as Kelvin. Retrain polar bears to hunt on a smaller chunk of land (with less running around they would eat less any way). Kill off or drug, all humans over the age of 5, so that no one is old enough to have personally seen a change and or could possibly remember it. “De-evolve” the whole western world and capitalistic economies and go back to horse and cart. Re-settle 80% of the world’s population on a planet such as Mars.
    The ideas are endless….
    On a political level… The U.N. Is actually driving force behind climate change being at the top of the agenda for the next 10 years and Australia’s review on our progress is due in 2015. I’d like to know how he intends to blow off the global political, legal and economic sanctions that we have signed.
    Yes… good plan Tony. Let’s make 168 countries our enemies.

    • Peter
      September 20, 2013

      I think it will be fine, seeing as though there has been no warming trend for 10-15 years and the Arctic shelf has seen a 60% increase in ice so far this year.
      Guess what? Some scientists are now saying that we are bout to enter a period of global cooling. It’s OK though, we aren’t about to have another ice age, it’s just a part of the normal long-term weather cycles.

      • Steve
        September 20, 2013


        I presume you read the daily mail BS then, personally I like to wait for the facts. I love the long-term weather cycle argument, how did you know about that? Oh yeah I guess climate scientists told you, the same ones who say climate change is real 😉

  15. You're dumb
    December 10, 2013

    Climate change – the term replacing global warming since the globe isn’t warming and hasn’t for years – is nonsense created by powerful people who have made, and are making, a lot of money from it (tax, penalties, tax, tax, tax – got the picture yet idiots?). Money is everything. Have you got that yet? Money = power. Money is the be all and end all. Money rules you and those with money rule you, control you and own you. If they say something exists then for you idiots it does. Because they have the money and thus power to make it seem real. You really believe that the carbon dioxide emitted in the last 200 years, which is less than one large volcanic eruption emits, is causing problems? It’s been higher than this in the past from natural earthly events like eruptions. Study the subject yourself instead of believing your spoonfed crap from the media controlled by those with enough money to buy your life. Which they’ve already done, now get back to work and make you’d masters richer.

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This entry was posted on April 4, 2013 by in Most Read, Politics and tagged , , , , .

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