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With speculation mounting that Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, may be carrying twins, there are growing fears that trashy women’s magazines are simply ill-equipped to handle the sheer volume of vacuous rubbish that will need to be written about the birth.
“We’ve got ten full-time reporters dedicated to the Royal Foetus,” said one editor, “I don’t have a budget for twenty”. She said she would consider splitting the work force, with five reporters on each baby, but had real concerns that this would compromise the in-depth coverage for which her magazine was renowned.
Another editor, who did not wish to be named, said a double royal birth would put considerable pressure on her staff. “There’s a limit to how excited you can pretend to be about the baby of someone you’ve never met. To all of a sudden have to double that level of excitement, it’s just not sustainable”.
Resources analyst Bob Yarren said there was a very real possibility the world would run out of paper. “We’re prepared for fifty-page collectors editions of New Idea and Who Weekly. But if there were to be royal twins … well, let’s just say I’d be pretty nervous if I was a virgin rain forest”.