The Shovel

Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.

Gina Rinehart’s five easy steps to making more money

Gina Rinehart satireToday in a column for Australian Resources and Investment magazine, Australia’s richest person Gina Rinehart provided some handy tips for those wishing to earn more money. “Don’t just sit there and complain,” she wrote, “Do something to make more money yourself – spend less time drinking or smoking and socialising, and more time working.”

But it turns out this was just a taste of the generous advice that the mining magnate had to offer. Would-be millionaires looking for further wisdom on how to become filthy rich will be excited to learn that Mrs Rinehart has this evening released her “5-Step Guide to Making Loads of Money”. And it’s not just about cutting down on the smokes!

Follow is an exclusive extract from the guide.

1. Make sure your dad is really wealthy

Do whatever you have to do to be born into enormous wealth. It saves a lot of time building a business from scratch and can open a lot of doors that will create you even more money in the long run. Inheriting $75 million and an iron-ore mine was my wealth strategy; what’s yours?

2. Keep your children’s dirty mitts off your money

Time and time again I see parents that are just too generous with their kids. The more you give them, the more they want, and before you know it they expect that money will just fall into their lap. Get your legal team to set up a watertight, legally binding agreement with your children that stipulates what belongs to you and what doesn’t belong to them. And if they kick up a fuss, don’t be afraid to threaten to take away their ransom insurance, it’ll be character building.

3. When your income is threatened, run a multi-million dollar advertising campaign

I’m sick of these whingers who have the nerve to say they don’t get paid enough, but then don’t have the balls to follow it up with a professionally developed TV campaign outlining their argument. Just the other day some kid working at McDonald’s said he was concerned he wasn’t going to be considered for a pay rise. I said “Don’t tell me, tell your advertising agency!” He just scoffed, which is typical of the younger generations these days.

4. Where possible, import cheap labour

If your maid or head gardener is an Australian citizen, you’re probably paying too much. Import labour where possible or, as I do with my cooking staff, set up a fly-in-fly-out strategy from a third world country. It cuts costs and at the same time provides an opportunity for those in need. Win-win.

5. Write a poem

Since I wrote my poem ‘Our Future’ my wealth has increased by over a billion dollars. Who says you can’t make money from the arts!  

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6 comments on “Gina Rinehart’s five easy steps to making more money

  1. Tony
    August 30, 2012

    I’m confused, which article did the shovel write and which one did Gina write?

    • Kit
      September 3, 2012

      The fact you can’t tell tell the difference between satire and the originating article says it all, Tony, *grin* What an example of Poe’s Law 😉
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poe's_law

      • Max R
        March 18, 2013

        I think that was the joke Kit 😛

  2. uloola
    June 20, 2013

    Stop Press.Gina Ironheart, aka The Fascist Slime, has just bought Western Australia.Lord Monkton has been appointed state premier and Brian Burke is now state treasurer, Jo Banana’s son has been made Minister For Everything Else.All unskilled workers are to be sourced from Bangladesh and paid in their own currency,apparently to teach them the value of Gina’s money. Refugee boat people with be used to collect the garbage. Corporal punishment has been incorporated into the states new constitution according to reports in the new state newspaper The Hancock Herald.

  3. Andy Finegan
    July 17, 2013

    And get a starring role in Star Wars 7 “Revenge of Jabba’s sister”

    • uloola
      July 17, 2013

      You have got to love her,she’s my favourite sociopath.
      Is it true that Jabba of the Hutt River Provence has bought Rottnest Island and has built a maximum security prison to house her children to prevent them from being kidnapped?

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This entry was posted on August 30, 2012 by in Business, Most Read, Politics and tagged , .

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