Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.
It was the final straw. For as long as Andy Murray looked like he might win a major tournament, the English were prepared to pretend they gave a toss about Scotland. But patience has finally run out. With Murray losing yet another Grand Slam final yesterday, Prime Minster David Cameron decided it was time to end the charade.
In a speech to Parliament this morning, Cameron said Great Britain would end all ties with Scotland, leading to cheers from both sides of the chamber. “It’s time to face facts. If we accept that Andy Murray is never go to win a slam – and he’s not – then we also must accept that we really have no use for Scotland”.
A massive sigh of relief could be heard across England as the realisation that they could once again hate Scottish people sunk in. Hugh Chestnut from Oxfordshire said “For years my mates and I have been saying things like ‘oh but Andy’s a good bloke’ or ‘Andy really is quite funny’. Thank god we can now say what we actually think, which is that Andy Murray is a wanker.
Margaret Dolton from Chester was delighted at the news. “I always preferred Tim Henman. He did the right and proper thing by always bowing out in the semis and sparing us the hideous spectacle of seeing a British man choke in the final of a major sporting event”.
John from Milton Keynes said “I never really liked Whiskey anyway”.
The British tabloids jumped the gun on the Prime Minister’s historic announcement, The Sun leading with the headline “Federer wins in all-international final”. The Daily Mail was less subtle, running with “DIE YOU PIECE OF SCOTTISH SCUM”.
The Prime Minister has given Scots a week to leave Great Britain before they will be forcibly removed.