The Shovel

Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.

Alan Jones reassures Australia that the Higgs Boson Particle doesn’t exist

alan jones (image from SMH)Radio journalist and respected scientist Alan Jones told his listeners on 2GB this morning that the Higgs Boson Particle – supposedly ‘discovered’ after almost fifty years of research – is just a cooked-up conspiracy from physics extremists.

Despite thousands of scientists working on the project for many years, Jones says he knows the truth and claimed the fanfare surrounding the particle was “an assault on common sense”.

A close up of Alan Jones's tie

A close up of Alan Jones’s tie

“Look, it’s just preposterous to claim that something could be that small – so small you can’t even see it. I’ve tried cutting a grain of salt into quarters – which would leave you bits that are still much bigger than this Boso particle – it can’t be done. Try it yourself”.

Jones says he has received “thousands” of letters from concerned listeners asking him what they should do about the Higgs Boson Particle. “I told them – and remember I spend a lot of time on correspondence – I told them just to ignore it. Pretend it doesn’t exist and it will eventually go away. There are Australian families out there struggling to put a meal on the table each night. The last thing they need is another particle you can’t even see”.

Jones will be holding a rally called “People Against Particles” in Canberra next week.

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You might also like: Alan Jones’s 2GB Fact-Checker Quiz


29 comments on “Alan Jones reassures Australia that the Higgs Boson Particle doesn’t exist

  1. Pingback: Alan Jones puts forward suggestions on how to fill airtime, now that his show has no advertisers « The Shovel

  2. Tim Roberts
    December 21, 2012

    Getting a carton from the fridge for a cold drink, and going to the supermarket (where milk comes from!) when you need more.. is common sense. Go home little Alan. #wanker

  3. Rick Johnson
    December 24, 2012

    If he thinks a grain of salt cut into quarters is as small as it gets, his brain would be struggling to exist as well then. Maybe we should pretend it is so small and doesn’t exist and ignore him. How this person manages to get air time is beyond me.

  4. Jane Hall
    October 9, 2013

    Alan Jones – the gift that keeps on giving …

  5. Terry Wilcox
    October 9, 2013

    Know’s all……but nothing…..pfffft !!!!

  6. Steve
    October 9, 2013

    LOL I don’t think TIm or David quite get it :o)

  7. Trilby Ulyanov
    October 9, 2013

    “Pretend it doesn’t exist and it will eventually go away.”
    Which is what we should be doing with Alan Jones.
    The real “assault on common sense” is listening to what this joker has to say.

  8. Michael Duggan
    October 9, 2013

    Hey Alan you sound like such a talented & knowledgable person you should become a scientist!!!!He’s obviously obviously never heard of a Microscope, Do you squeeze oranges by crushing them against your forehead do you Alan?!? Why is it that people take this flat earth conspiracy LOONIE seriously?!?

  9. Peter
    October 9, 2013

    And if we cut the obituaries out of the newspaper, nobody dies.

  10. Darin Sullivan
    October 9, 2013

    Reblogged this on and commented:
    Alan Jones – scientist

  11. dave
    October 10, 2013

    I think the irony may have been a little overly subtle. Or maybe this is exactly the kind of thing that moronic ass hat would in fact say ….

  12. LW
    October 10, 2013

    all taken with a (quarter of) grain of salt!

  13. BronL
    October 10, 2013

    Too funny. Sadly, apparently also a bit too believable.

  14. uloola
    October 10, 2013

    At least he hasn’t blamed those rabid lefties from the ABC.

  15. Pete
    October 10, 2013

    No….he’s joking right? No one can be that stupid. Funny shit if he’s making a joke. Quite a bit embarrassing if he isn’t.

  16. uloola
    October 10, 2013

    I may be wrong but I think Higgs was the Bosun on the Costa Concordia,but I’m not cerntain.

  17. Peter Weeks
    October 10, 2013

    Hmmmm I think a few people have not realised that this is The Shovel – ‘Australia’s second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.’

  18. Mike
    October 10, 2013

    No….he’s joking right? NOPE he aint
    No one can be that stupid. Yes they can be and HE IS
    Funny shit if he’s making a joke. Alan Jones doesnt joke. he doesnt know HOW TOO
    Quite a bit embarrassing if he isn’t. Yes quite embassassing for the rest of us who have to put up with him and his type.

  19. janama
    October 10, 2013

    exactly where is your evidence for Jones’ statement?

  20. Damien
    October 10, 2013

    Read this before you post a comment:

    ** This site is satirical, what is reported in it didn’t actually happen! **

    The real embarrassment for Mr Jones is that so many people believe he is stupid enough to say that!

  21. Ian Joyner
    October 10, 2013

    Alan Jones’s brain is smaller than a Higgs Boson – so I am ignoring that as well.

    (Although from what I understand the HB is quite a large particle.)

  22. Marshall
    October 10, 2013

    Interesting that a Bachelor of Arts and a teaching diploma makes Alan Jones a scientist.

  23. Kevin
    October 10, 2013

    Follow-up story: Tony Abbott appoints Allan Jones as his science advisor

  24. Eileen Naseby
    October 11, 2013

    You’re pulling our legs aren’t you?

  25. Extispicy
    October 11, 2013

    Um, you all know what satire is right?

    • uloola
      October 11, 2013

      Once you accept that Alan lives in a parallel universe then his views become logical.

  26. Sally
    October 11, 2013

    FFS, this is satire guys. I’m not sure what’s more hilarious – the article, or some of the comments here. Yes Alan Jones is a knob, but this a parody. If you actually read the article, it’s pretty clear.

    In fact, the very first sentence “Radio journalist and RESPECTED SCIENTIST Alan Jones” makes it pretty obvious.

  27. Andrew Trump
    October 11, 2013

    Ummm….. Perfect examples of the dangers of irony are on show right here. The article was funny, but some of the responses are hilarious!

  28. jeff bridge
    October 11, 2013

    wow, from reading the comments to this article, it really makes it clear just how stupid people really are. I can’t believe so many people don’t understand this is a joke.

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This entry was posted on July 5, 2012 by in Most Read, Politics and tagged , , , , , .

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