The Shovel

Australia's second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.

Al Qaeda claims responsibility for Melbourne’s Myki ticketing system

mykiAbdul Hameed Muhammad, a senior figure in Al Qaeda has declared that the terrorist group is behind ‘Myki’, Melbourne’s new public transport ticketing system. In an extensive interview with the Al Jazera news network, Muhammad said that a Melbourne-based Al Qaida cell had been working on the project for years.

“We were looking for a way to cause mass disruption and distress in a major Australian city,” the terrorist explained. “We considered bombings and suicide attacks, but in the end imposing a half-baked, semi-functioning public transport ticket system on an unsuspecting public was the best way to bring the city to its knees”.

Since the system was launched last year millions of Melbourne commuters have had to endure the daily ritual of queuing to get out of train stations and the humiliation of being robbed blind due to system malfunctions.

Muhammad says his favourite feature of the new system is when a user tops up their card and specifies that they don’t want a receipt. “They get one anyway!” the terrorist said, giggling, “It just slows everything down so much unnecessarily!”

Muhammad takes credit for naming the ticket system himself. “I believe there is an expression in English ‘taking the Myki’? It seemed like the perfect name”.

Like all successful terrorist attacks, Muhammad says the element of surprise was essential. “When Melburnians learnt that millions of dollars were being invested in an electronic-based system, the assumption was that it would be more efficient than the paper-ticket system. How much worse we managed to make it surprised even me”.

Muhammad admitted that Al Qaeda had tried to impose similar systems in London and Singapore but that their plans were thwarted when the governments in those cities chose to implement proper, functioning technology.

The Shovel is Australia’s satire website? Follow The Shovel on Facebook and Twitter.

You might also like:  Metro Trains To Phase Out Passengers In Bold Plan To Reduce Overcrowding

Advertisements

39 comments on “Al Qaeda claims responsibility for Melbourne’s Myki ticketing system

  1. Mark Thomas
    June 21, 2012

    I assume they are responsible for the desal plant as well

  2. Pingback: Melbourne’s Metro Trains to phase out passengers in bold plan to reduce overcrowding « The Shovel

  3. leona feeney
    November 1, 2012

    just returned from trip to Melbourne. We use public transport vhen visiting cities around the world. Melbourne public transport could be very good if ticketing system was better, simple and WORKING. We were sold wrong Myki tickets at first, then charged very different price for each person when traveling together. Staff in blue shirts giving confusing information. Old ticketing system we remember much better. Every day trip we were overcharged. Not cap $5.54 as we expected. If Melbourne want turist comming – it must do better. Very small number turist use taxi daily or hire car for dity trips.

    • Jamie Smith
      March 18, 2013

      Your spelling is horrid. >.> Sorry but your right on the myki and all that.

      • tom
        March 18, 2013

        Yours is not much better Jamie – learn the difference between “your” and “you’re”. I also take it you are a native English speaker. Whereas, the comment above comes from somebody who visits cities around the world. Perhaps English is their second language?

        • Caz
          March 18, 2013

          Classic!

        • Kass
          March 18, 2013

          Your use of punctuation is terrible, Tom, especially when snidely criticizing the spelling and grammar of another person. Perhaps being a grammar nazi is your second vocation. If not, perhaps you would be happier in a less demanding and more suitable career, such as piranha fishing or sump cleaning.

        • Phil
          March 18, 2013

          I enjoyed your run on sentence Kass.

        • Ben Cunningham
          March 20, 2013

          Jamie may have been reffering to Leona’s right to express her view on myki, in which case their use of ‘your’ is correct. Don’t be so quick to judge.

        • Miles
          September 12, 2013

          you are a Muppet tom. and Jamie, I rekin leona was takin the piss outa da turists talkin rong.

      • Gloveslap
        March 18, 2013

        You’re right*

      • Gina Deen
        March 18, 2013

        Yes his spelling is horrid but it’s ‘you’re right’ – just to be pedantic!

      • Adam
        March 19, 2013

        What a great read. Comments as interesting as article. I’m with Jamie (shame about the “you’re” though) on your spelling Leona. It is horrid. Second language or not, google translate is free. Hope you enjoyed the trip to Melbourne. (That’s snide sarasm, in case the tourist in question wasn’t familiar with the English language or culture). Wouldn’t want any misunderstandings.

        • Jo
          March 19, 2013

          It is unlikely Google Translate will translate to English with better grammar than most native speakers use…
          If you want to be pedantic, perhaps you should punctuate your first sentence correctly, perhaps the following would improve your sentence structure:
          “What a great read! The comments are as interesting as the article.”

      • Bob
        March 19, 2013

        Muphry’s law is alive and well amongst the Grammar and typo Nazis 😀

        • Shane
          March 19, 2013

          I see what you did there.

      • Langy Cynic
        March 19, 2013

        Hate to tell you that your spelling isn’t much better. “Sorry, but you’re right”, it’s a shortening of you are, the apostrophe replaces the a. Get it right. Mind you they are right about Myki. A total stuff-up.

      • Svetlana Sally Johnston
        April 23, 2013

        Thing is when it’s working it’s cheaper then the old MetCard and when it;s not it’s even cheaper … it;s free on the bus :o)

  4. Brad
    March 18, 2013

    Amazing how you focus just on the Melbourne side of it, yet it’s a state wide system, with the exception of Vline. Which is mind-boggling in itself.
    It’s stuffed up public transport for the entire state, you Melbourne-centric jerk!

    • Nath
      March 18, 2013

      thats because nobody cares about what happens in the parts of Victoria that are not Melbourne. Deal with it.

  5. Daniel
    March 18, 2013

    Sorry, it’s already been done. It’s called Cityrail

  6. tprdicko
    March 18, 2013

    Cityrail already did that

  7. Pingback: Anonymous

  8. Mike
    March 18, 2013

    Gold! 😀

  9. Deano Parkinson
    March 18, 2013

    Your overuse of commas puts you in the same boat Kass.

  10. Deano Parkinson
    March 18, 2013

    I’ll give you a tip. When you write something, try saying it aloud. As an English teacher, I find this very helpful for my children. Bad grammar is ubiquitous these days. It makes me sad. 😦

  11. Bob
    March 18, 2013

    A Kind of Major Point – Myki has Cost Billions – With a “B” – $1,500,000,000 -that’s almost enough to run the entire train system for free for a few years. It’s a heck of a lot of schools and trains.

    I’d bet a certain Big Blue chip company must be wishing that Al Qaeda would take responsibility for the $1,200,000,000 Queensland health payroll Non system as well.

    Oh, and then there’s talentless and the useless excuse for a payroll system in New Zealand (Novopay or whatever it’s called).

    None of these systems are complex, but somehow, they end up getting too expensive to fail.

  12. Pingback: terrorist attack in melbourne.

  13. Anon clayton
    March 19, 2013

    BBC admit Al Qaeda never existed

  14. #mykistinks
    March 19, 2013

    Myki is rubbish!

  15. Damion - London
    March 20, 2013

    Lovely bit of satire Shovel – keep it coming! While the London system hasn’t brought quite the same level of chaos (that is served up regularly by the union-ised drivers, guards and station staff), it has brought commuters to their knees by being true to its Oyster name; overpriced, overrated and dreadfully difficult to get anything out of. One suspects al-qadea may have successfully infiltrated Transport for London….

  16. Lynda
    March 21, 2013

    Taking the Myki…. Yes!!! I am a frustrated commuter, the machine will not take my cash, then it will not accept my eftpos card, and, to top it off, I must wait in line to be served at the counter. It gets better (or worse),, on the way home, my Myki would not open the gate to let me get to my train. Aargh…. has anyone noticed that it just simply does not work effectively and you can completely forget about efficiency. Well done Shovel. Oh for all the grammarians out there, give it a break, we all know what people mean when they are typing on blogs and life is more than just full-stops and commas in the right place. 🙂

  17. ptu
    March 27, 2013

    Love the part about the receipts. Shits me to tears. Because of that, it uses the same amount of paper as metcards, removing all possible benefit of an electronic system.

    Also correction: myki IS being implemented on V/Line (how else could it be state wide, when most of the state is only serviced by them?). In fact V/Line stations were some of the first to get myki readers (afaik they still haven’t been turned on..).

    And what is wrong with Oyster? It’s heaps cheaper than travelcards, and it actually works. It also works in Brisbane where it’s called ‘go’.

  18. Freja Leonard
    March 30, 2013

    I think we should all get tollway tags that we can wear on our heads. That way commuters could run through the barriers as fast as we like and still have our travel validated effectively every time. Those things are free and the billing’s reliable. What do you say, Victorians?

  19. andy
    April 6, 2013

    Not millions mate. Not even hundreds of millions… It’s billions! (1.5 Billion to be exact.) Definitely taking the myki!

  20. Alistair Benoy
    April 29, 2013

    what does vic do? employ more inspectors and police to fine ppl fed up with faulty cards or over charging. I’m sick of being charged for a 2 hr trip everyitme i touch off. even if it’s minutes after the last one.

  21. Ross David Thomas
    October 31, 2013

    whilst i completely respect that we all have differences in opinion (which is why i refuse to hate these people) youv got to admit that these guys could and should switch careers to comedians when they make claims like this XDDDD

Post a comment ...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on May 27, 2012 by in Business, Most Read and tagged , , , , , , .

Enter your email address to get the latest scoops shovelled to your inbox

Follow The Shovel on Twitter!

  • Looking for The Shovel? We've had our underscores surgically removed. We're now tweeting from @TheShovel See you there. 1 year ago
%d bloggers like this: