Indonesia To Allow Schapelle Corby To Go Home, As Long As It’s On A Boat
Operation Sovereign Borders will face its toughest test yet when Schapelle Corby sails into Australian waters on a small fishing vessel, possibly as early as this weekend.
Axing Of Today Tonight Sends Shockwaves Through Fad Diet Community
Channel 7’s decision to scrap current affairs flagship Today Tonight in Australia’s eastern states is a massive blow for serious journalism, according to those who rely on the show’s in-depth investigative … Continue reading
2014 Shaping Up To Be Quickest Year Ever, Work Colleague Confirms
“It’s already February” account manager Jodie Burns told colleagues today. And if her predictions are correct, it will soon be March.
Australians Told To Impartially Cheer For Home Team At Tomorrow Night’s T20 Match
The Federal Government has asked its citizens to barrack for Australia with rigorous unbiasedness at tomorrow night’s T20 cricket match against England at the MCG.
Facebook’s 10th Birthday Cake To Be Decorated With Colourful Pieces Of Your Personal Life
Staff at social media juggernaut Facebook will be celebrating their company’s 10th birthday today by gorging on a giant cake, tastefully adorned with delicious fragments of your personal life.
New ‘Tech Bra’ Only Unhooks When Man Has Taken Bins Out
In a long-awaited fusion between hot-blooded hormones and cold, hard practicality, a new bra designed by Australian scientists will only unlock after the potential suitor has taken out the bins … Continue reading
Queening To Be Outsourced To India
All functions of the British Monarchy will be run from a small factory in Mumbai, after local efforts failed to keep costs to sustainable levels.
Climate Change No Longer A Threat, Reader Poll Confirms
Those concerned about climate change can rest easy, following a reader poll in a popular newspaper that revealed the phenomenon is no longer a serious threat.
My Kitchen Rules Promo Disrupted By Tennis Game
An extended promotion for one of Australia’s favourite TV shows, My Kitchen Rules, was constantly interrupted by a game of tennis last night, leading to an angry response from some … Continue reading
Woman To Donate $50 Per Month To Support A Place She’ll Probably Never Visit
Jenny Angelo, and thousands of other Australians like her, has pledged to give $50 each month to help support essential services in a far away location she may never have … Continue reading
REVEALED: Your Overseas Friends Actually Don’t Care What The Temperature Is Where You Are
Your mates in London and New York couldn’t give two shits that it’s 36 degrees in Australia, it has emerged.
US Private Equity Firm Buys Last Remaining Piece Of 1997
US firm Platinum Equity this morning bought Australia’s ‘Yellow and White Pages’ for a reported $454 million. It is believed to be a new record for signature pieces from the … Continue reading
Jesus Wondering Whether He Should Tell Cory Bernardi About The Whole Joseph Thing
Christian figurehead Jesus Christ was today wondering whether he should tell Senator Cory Bernardi about the fact he was brought up by his step-dad, or just let him continue thinking … Continue reading
Presumption Of Innocence caught associating with Legal System on the Gold Coast
One of the leading members of the ‘Fundamentals of Law’ gang – Presumption of Innocence – and his close friend Legal System were arrested by Queensland police last night after … Continue reading
Japan’s Scientific Research Program Still Yet To Uncover Why Whales Die When Speared With A Giant Harpoon
After decades of research, Japanese scientists are no closer to discovering why whales suddenly die when tracked down, surrounded and then shot with an explosive-tipped harpoon.
Australia’s Self Esteem Back To Safe Levels
Australia’s image of itself has been cautiously raised to ‘manageable’ after the nation won five games of sport in a row.
North Korean Basketball Team Won Next Wednesday’s Exhibition Game Against US, Local Report Reveals
An exhibition basketball game in North Korea next Wednesday, between a Dennis Rodman-led team of former NBA players and a senior local side, was won by the host nation, the … Continue reading
Workers Looking Forward To Not Listening To What Colleagues Did For Christmas
Office workers around the country can’t wait to switch right off when their colleagues tell them all about how they spent the Christmas break.
Gina Rinehart Reassures Joe Hockey: “I Inherited A $47 Billion Hole Too, And Everything Turned Out Ok”
Mining magnate Gina Rinehart has offered Federal Treasurer Joe Hockey her support after the Coalition today announced it had inherited a multi-billion dollar budget black hole from the previous Labor … Continue reading
NBN To Be Powered Entirely By Malcolm Turnbull’s Popularity
The Government today announced that it would cut all funding to the national broadband rollout and instead power the network directly with Communication Minister Malcolm Turnbull’s charm.
ABC Comes Clean: “Mr Squiggle Was A Puppet”
Just days after journalist Piers Akerman exposed ABC cartoon character Peppa Pig as a left-wing feminist mouthpiece, the Australian national broadcaster has conceded that iconic children’s television star Mr Squiggle … Continue reading
Ralph Lauren Polo Logo To Be Replaced With Actual Bag Of Money
Ralph Lauren’s classic polo shirt will be updated this season with the oversized man-on-a-horse-with-a-stick logo to be replaced with a large bag of money that will hang off the front … Continue reading
Man Forced To Watch Concert With His Own Eyes
A thirty-eight year old man from Brisbane was left with no alternative but to watch an entire concert with his eyes, after he mistakenly left his phone at home.
Paul Keating Almost Certainly The Best, Most Humble Prime Minister Ever, Says Paul Keating
Most of the significant human achievements of the past fifty years were the brainchild of Paul Keating, Paul Keating has revealed.
Fat, Ugly Rich Guy Makes Unexpected Appearance In Teenage Boy’s Fantasy
A complex fantasy about lingerie model Miranda Kerr, which teenager Sam Daw has been developing for several weeks, took a turn for the worst last night when billionaire James Packer … Continue reading
